I’m gonna maybe hesitantly dip my toe into the pool of blogging again.
Hello all. It’s been about three years since I last blogged. In my extended absence, a lot has happened in my life, and stuff has actually happened on my blog, it would appear. I have gained followers, some of whom I think are legitimate human beings, which is kind of astounding, given all the quality content I’ve been failing to post for literal years. But hey, whatever, hi to you all, sorry but I’m gonna be pretty dull here. This is more of an ‘I’m alive’ blog post than any humorous anecdote.
In the last three years, my actively and obviously dying mother has responded well to her first three years of antibiotic treatment. I’m not sure how much I divulged over various posts in years gone by, but at the point of my last blog post, she was pretty sick. I was doing everything bar driving (which I still can’t do but hope to try again at the end of the year). We left Caboolture and ended up in Beerwah, a small suburban-rural area famous for being where Australia Zoo is. And for pineapples, I think, which are in fashion at the moment.
Who would’ve thought a fruit could be ‘in fashion’? Human beings are strange creatures.
We have recently moved again, back onto the coast properly. Anyway, Mum now looks and sounds normal most of the time. We don’t tend to go out when she’s having obvious cognitive issues, although there are some times you just can’t avoid it, doctor’s appointments and such. From a mostly wheelchair and house-bound individual, she now only uses the walking stick for dizziness and balance issues, and because occasionally her knees can go out from under her. We no longer need to hire a scooter for shopping outings, and we no longer have to plan them so stringently and so far apart.
I’m entering my third year of treatment. It’s rough going, but I’m still nowhere near as ill as Mum ever got, or I would never have been able to care for her at all. I can deal with the pain you get, I’m mostly just flipping exhausted, although I plod along and get things done. I’m currently unemployed, although I wasn’t for about two years between this post and the last. When health rules your life, moving house means leaving your job, but that’s okay, because I don’t think I can handle working in a supermarket any more anyway.
Jobs are scarce up here, it being such a huge population growth area. It’ll be interesting to see how I go job hunting when I get back into it. Gonna give it a rest for a while, because I have that option, and just focus on getting better, keeping house, ‘keeping mum’ on the things that bog me down. Same old, same old.
My crippling anxiety is almost completely gone, thanks to the antibiotics. That’s because it was caused by long-term bacterial infections, a few of them which target the nervous system specifically. Mum’s ended up with relapsing and remitting MS from them, among other things. I get weird little twitches and itches and tingles with mine. Makes me wonder how many people are out there suffering neurological issues that are a result of infections that cannot be treated using psychiatric medicine.
It’s slow going, but we’re getting there. Things are getting better, and they are so markedly improved from when I last posted. It’s quite something to see someone you love slowly and then suddenly decline in an obvious death march, and then to watch them gradually but also comparatively swiftly and miraculously regain their health. It’s all been sort of surreal, and it’s been my reality for a long time. I’m surprisingly alright, too, considering everything that’s happened in my life thus far. We’re born with good strong immune systems and good strong minds, in this family. We’re very resilient.
I turn 28 tomorrow. It’s a good day for a birthday, because the whole world celebrates by supplying me with cut-price novelty chocolates in the shape of hearts and roses and such. I’m of mixed emotions, although I’m largely not fussed when it comes to my birthday. Milestones are interesting in that, when you count them as things to reach, passing them by is a wonderful achievement; when you’re looking at them as points to stop and look back at where you’ve been, sometimes you can feel despairing upon reaching one.
I’m not despairing. Sometimes I get a little down at how stagnant I’ve been, or how stagnant I appear to have been – despite the fact that I’ve been working hard and struggling against various life-problems this whole time. I know, logically, that you can only be where you are, and make the best decisions in given circumstances. I know that if somebody told me they’d had the exact same situation, I would be very understanding and forgiving. But I’m not someone else, I’m me, and so I have to talk myself around the obvious look at how much you haven’t achieved, at your age; look, your time is running out! Time is always running out. That’s what it does. That’s what it’ll always do, until we stop thinking of it like this finite thing we’re losing, and start thinking of it as the experience of life.
It’s only 28. I’m practically an infant. I have time. I am doing my best.
This is what I say to myself when I get negative. But normally, I’m cheerful, if tired. Over the years, I’ve had my eyes open to so many of the hardships that other people are struggling through. There are so many people all around us, coping with extraordinary things, thinking they are drowning in it, but in fact doing quite magnificently well, given the circumstances.
Life is just a collection of moments and milestones and landmines. We’re all just stumbling along. Some of us do a lot of groundwork and planning, and those people don’t always yield the results they’re after, while some people amble along and fall into happy circumstances with seemingly no effort at all. You can’t use anybody else’s apparent success as a standard to hold yourself to. There’s too much at stake. You’re at stake. It’s a lot easier to enjoy moments in life when all your energy isn’t going into making sure you’re having the right moments in the right order according to everyone else.
No humorous anecdote today. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Be the best person that you can be in the circumstances you’re in. Sit still for a moment and just be.